Not a Team Player… or Just Not Social?

• They don’t go to the company picnic.
• They skip happy hour.
• They keep to themselves.

So, you label them: not a team player. But what if that label is wrong?

In this episode, we challenge the way leaders define “team player” and explore how personality, social behavior, and actual performance often get mixed together.

You’ll learn how to better understand—and lead—employees who don’t fit the typical mold. And we take it one step further… What if that person isn’t an employee—but a leader?

In this episode, we cover:

• Why “team player” is often mis-defined The difference between social behavior and actual contribution
• How leaders unintentionally push out strong performers
• Ways to include and engage non-social employees without forcing discomfort
• How to lead introverted or socially uncomfortable leaders effectively
• The balance between honoring personality and meeting role expectations

Key Takeaway: Inclusion isn’t making everyone act the same—it’s creating space for people to show up differently and still be valued. Reflection Question: Are you measuring contribution… or personality?

If you’re navigating different personalities on your team and want help building a culture that actually works, let’s talk.

Together, we can build a better business.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:32

And build a business that actually works for you and your team. So whether you're in the office, on a job site, or just grabbing your first cup of coffee, let's just start your week so you can lead better, work smarter, and build a better business. Welcome back to the podcast. This week we're continuing our conversation about your employees. The ones that challenge you, the ones that confuse you, and sometimes the ones you may be misunderstanding. Because not every difficult employee is a bad employee, and not every behavior that frustrates you is actually a problem. Today I want to talk about the employee who doesn't show up the way you expect socially. You know the one I'm talking about. The one that doesn't go to the company picnic, that skips happy hours, that doesn't hang around chatting in the break room. They just keep their head down and do their work. And somewhere along the way, they got labeled as not a team player. Now before we go any further, I want you to pause for a second and think about someone on your team. There's a good chance you already have a face in mind. Now let me ask you a different question. Are they not a team player or are they just not a social player? Because those are not the same thing. And this is where I see leaders get it wrong. We define team player based on who shows up to events, who's outgoing, who talks the most, who looks engaged. But that's not actually teamwork. That's just personality. That employee you're frustrated with, they might be an introvert, are socially anxious, maybe they're neurodivergent, or just someone who doesn't recharge around people. And here's the part of this that matters. They may also be extremely reliable, highly focused, consistent in their work, and deeply committed to doing a good job. They just don't express it the way you expect. And because of that, you start to question their commitment. Here's the mistake we're making. We start equating visibility with engagement, personality with performance, and social behavior with teamwork. And then when we try to fix them, we push them to attend events or call them out for not participating. We try to bring them out of their shell and put them in situations where they're uncomfortable, all in the name of culture. But what really happens is they withdraw more, they feel misunderstood, and eventually some of your best people leave. Let me say this clearly: by forcing this behavior, you're not building culture, you're creating compliance around personality, and it's not the same thing. So, what should you do instead? Let's redefine what a team player is. A team player is not the loudest person in the room, they're not the most social person on the team, but they are someone who supports others, who follows through, who contributes to results. And there's someone who shows up consistently, and that's what matters. Not everyone wants to engage the same way. So instead of why don't they come to happy hour? Maybe you should be asking, how do they best connect and contribute? Maybe it's one-on-one conversations, maybe it's small group collaborations or project-based interactions. Meet them where they are. Not everyone needs to love the company picnic or speak up in large meetings or be socially visible. And forcing it doesn't build inclusion. It just creates stress. One of the simplest and most overlooked steps is to ask them, how do you prefer to work with others? What helps you feel included? And you should know what situations are uncomfortable for them. You might be surprised what you learn when you ask these questions. Inclusion isn't about making everyone act the same, it's creating space for people to show up differently and still be valued. So now let's step back and ask that question again. If someone on your team does great work, meets expectations, supports others, and shows up consistently, but doesn't want to make small talk or attend your company picnic, are they really a problem? Or are you just measuring the wrong thing? Now before we wrap up, I want to take this one step further. Because you might be listening to this and thinking, okay, I get it when it's an employee, but what if this person is a leader? Or even more specifically, what if this person is one of my senior leaders or an executive? Now we're in a different conversation. Because at that point, it's not about do they go to the company picnic? It's about can they lead effectively? And here's where I want to be really clear. Leadership is not about being extroverted. You do not have to be the loudest person in the room, the most outgoing, or the one working the crowd. Some of the best leaders I've ever worked with were very introverted, but they were incredible in one-on-one situations, in small groups, and they had thoughtful conversations. They built deep trust with their teams, because they listened more than they talked, and people respected them because of it. But we still have to separate the person from the role. Because while leadership doesn't require a certain personality, it does require certain behaviors. There are moments in leadership where you have to communicate to a larger group, step into visibility. You may have to represent the organization or address difficult situations. And for some people, that's hard. Really hard. You might even have leaders who feel physically sick before a large group meeting, and that's real. But we don't say you need to change who you are. We also don't say you never have to do anything uncomfortable. You don't need them to love social events or be high energy in every room. But you do need them to communicate clearly, show up when it matters, and lead the team when visibility is required. Recognize and normalize that it's hard. Say this: you don't have to love this part of the role, but it is part of the role. That removes shame without removing accountability. We shouldn't expect leaders to change who they are, but we should expect them to rise to what the role requires. So as you think about your team, and maybe even yourself, ask, am I asking someone to grow into the role? Or am I asking them to become something they're not? And equally important, am I avoiding holding the standard because I don't want to make someone uncomfortable? Because discomfort isn't the problem. This is what leadership really looks like: not forcing sameness, but also not avoiding standards. It's learning how to lead real people with real expectations and doing it in a way that actually works. I hope this episode made you think a little differently about someone on your team. And as always, until next week, lead with confidence, focus on your people, and let's build a better business.