What People Have Stopped Telling You

Most leaders can easily identify defensiveness in employees. Far fewer recognize it in themselves.

As leaders rise within an organization, something dangerous begins to happen: they receive less honest feedback. Team members become hesitant to challenge ideas, question decisions, or bring forward concerns. Over time, the leader unknowingly becomes insulated from the truth.

In this episode, we explore how defensiveness quietly impacts leadership effectiveness, organizational culture, decision-making, and employee retention. We talk about why defensiveness is often rooted in fear rather than arrogance, how it affects the people around you, and practical ways to become a more coachable and effective leader.

Because the greatest threat to your leadership isn't what people are saying about you—it's what they've stopped saying to you.

In This Episode

• Why successful leaders are more vulnerable to defensiveness
• The subtle signs that you may be harder to coach than you think
• How defensiveness slows communication and weakens accountability
• Why high performers leave leaders who won't listen
• Five practical ways to become more coachable
• The simple three-word phrase that can transform your leadership conversations

Reflection Questions

• When was the last time someone challenged one of your ideas?
• How do you typically respond when you receive difficult feedback?
• Do people bring you bad news quickly or only when they have to?
• What might your team know that you don't?
• Have you created a workplace where people feel safe telling you the truth?

If you're looking to strengthen your leadership skills, improve communication, and build a stronger business, connect with me to learn more about my services.

 https://www.lftconsult.com/

If you're looking for a great leadership book for your team: 

https://www.lftconsult.com/leadership-book

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:37

And actually your business forward. So whether you're in the office, on the job site, or just starting your day, grab a cup of coffee and let's just start your week so you can leave better, work smarter, and build a better business. Welcome back to the podcast. Today we're going to tackle a topic that's rarely discussed because it makes all of us just a little uncomfortable. Today we're going to talk about defensiveness. More specifically, what happens when leaders become uncoachable? And I want to start with a statement that may be one of the most important things you hear all week. The greatest threat to your leadership isn't what people are saying about you, it's what they've stopped saying to you. Let that sit for a minute. Because most leaders can easily spot defensiveness in others. We see it in our employees, we see it in other managers, we see it with coworkers, but very few leaders recognize it in themselves. And the higher you rise in an organization, the more dangerous that blind spot becomes. Let's talk about why. One of the strange things about leadership is that success can actually make you harder to coach. Think about it. You've built the business, you've solved problems, you've worked long hours, you make good decisions, you've earned your place. Over time, many people start assuming you know what you're doing. Then something subtle begins to happen. People stop correcting you. They stop challenging your thinking. They stop questioning your decisions. Not because you're always right, but because they're not sure if it's worth the effort. And that's where trouble begins. The higher someone rises in an organization, the less feedback they receive, the more people protect them from uncomfortable truths, and the more expensive their defensiveness becomes. Now I hear this from almost every leader I work with. I have an open door policy. Employees can come talk to me anytime they want. But that open door policy means very little if people don't feel safe walking through it. I worked with business owners who genuinely want honest feedback, yet their teams wouldn't give it. Wonder why? Because every time someone disagreed, the owner explained why they were wrong. Every concern was met with a justification. Every criticism was answered with a defense. Eventually people learned don't bother. And when people stop bringing you problems, the problems don't disappear. They just get bigger. Now I can hear you already. I'm not defensive, I'm easy to approach. Part of that's because when we hear the word defensive, we often picture someone raising their voice, getting angry, slamming a fist on the table. But that's not usually what defensiveness looks like in leadership. In fact, the most common forms are much more subtle. It sounds something like this. Let me explain. Or that's not what happened. Or here's why we did that. You're missing the context. Or well what you have to understand is. Sometimes explanations are appropriate. The problem is when explanation becomes the automatic response to feedback. Because if your first instinct is to always explain, you never fully listen. You never really learn. You never really understand what the other person is experiencing. And here's the hard truth. People don't judge us by our intentions, they judge us by our impact. And you may believe you're being reasonable, but the other person may experience you as dismissive or argumentative. Ever wonder why many smart leaders become defensive? Let's talk about a few common reasons. Some of them just want to protect their identity. Many leaders don't just own their business, the business becomes a part of who they are. So when someone criticizes a process, a decision, or a strategy, it feels personal. The feedback isn't hitting the business, it feels like it's hitting at them personally. Some of these leaders may have a fear of failure. They've built careers on being competent. Being wrong feels dangerous. Admitting mistakes is really uncomfortable. Because many are perfectionists. They have incredibly high standards. The problem is they hold themselves to impossible standards, and any criticism feels like proof that they're failing. And lastly, there's the success trap. This one catches a lot of business owners. You make enough good decisions over time that you begin trusting your instincts completely. Confidence is valuable. Overconfidence is expensive. The same instincts that helped you build the company can eventually prevent you from seeing what needs to change. So let's talk about how this defensive behavior is costing your business. Because this isn't just about personal growth, it's about organizational performance. Defensive leadership creates expensive business problems. It slows down information flow. People delay bringing issues forward. They often soften the bad news. Or they wait until things become completely unavoidable or unbearable. The leader thinks everything is fine. The reality is that information is moving slowly through the organization. It can also cause poor decisions. Good decisions require accurate information. If people are filtering what they tell you, you're making decisions based on incomplete data. And incomplete data creates expensive mistakes. Often innovation stops. Healthy organizations challenge ideas. Defensive organizations protect ideas. And there's a big difference. When people stop questioning assumption, growth slows down. Another thing that surprises many people is accountability declines. Defensive leaders often create less accountability, not more, because employees learn that difficult conversations are unpleasant, so they avoid them. Managers stop confronting issues, peers stop giving feedback, and everyone starts walking around the problems. And here's one that should concern every executive. Your best people don't usually leave because you made a mistake. They leave because they don't believe that mistakes can be discussed. High performers want to contribute. They want to improve things. They want their voice to matter. When they feel unheard long enough, they eventually take their talent somewhere else. Now I want to step back and ask you a few questions. And I want you to honestly answer them. Do your employees challenge your ideas? Do employees bring you bad news quickly or slowly? Do your meetings include healthy disagreement? When was the last time someone told you you're wrong? When was the last time you changed your mind because of employee feedback? How often do you hear these phrases from an employee? I have a concern. I see it differently. I think we're missing something. Now here's the uncomfortable truth. If nobody disagrees with you, it doesn't mean you're a great leader. It may mean you've trained your people to not disagree. And that distinction matters a lot. The good news is that becoming more coachable isn't complicated, but it does require intentionality. When someone gives feedback, resist the urge to answer immediately. Take a breath, listen, think. Your first reaction isn't always your best reaction. Instead of defending, become curious. Ask, what am I missing? Can you tell me more about that? Or what led you to that conclusion? Curiosity creates understanding. Defensiveness creates distance. One of the most important leadership lessons is understanding that good intentions do not erase negative impact. You can mean well and still create problems. When someone brings you difficult feedback, thank them. Not necessarily because they're right, but because they were willing to be honest. The goal is not always agreement. The goal is openness. If you only take one thing from today's episode, let it be this. Tell me more. Three simple words. No defense, no explanation, no debate, just tell me more. That phrase alone can change the quality of conversation throughout your organization. Leadership is not about being right, it's about getting it right. And those are very different things. The moment protecting your ego becomes more important than discovering the truth, your growth begins to fall. The best leaders I work with are not the smartest people in the room. They're not even the most experienced people in the room. Many times they're not even the most confident people in the room, but they're the most coachable. They create environments where people feel safe speaking honestly. They invite feedback. They welcome disagreement. And they understand that criticism is not an attack. It's information. Remember, the greatest threat to your leadership isn't what people are saying about you, it's what they've stopped saying to you. The question is, have you created a workplace where people can tell you the truth? Or have you unintentionally trained them to stay silent? That's a question worth thinking about. If today's episode challenged you or made you a little defensive, share with another business owner, executive, or leader who might benefit from the conversation. And if you're looking to become a more intentional, self-aware, effective leader, I'd love to help. You can find some great resources in the show notes. And until next week, lead with confidence. Focus on your people, and let's build a better business.